I want to hurt someone. Or...something, I suppose. Something alive.
I don't feel angry about it, or upset. There's just nothing. That sort of hollow feeling I mentioned before. And it feels as though I can fill that void with someone else's pain. That's the best way I have to describe it.
I'm not afraid of it. Just cold. And I know that acting on it will make the cold disperse.
[.....he knows it's stupid - especially after that confession - but dammit, he wishes he could touch you right now.]
Please know that I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, I just want to emphasise that that's perfectly normal. Sanguis is known to incite violent tendencies and you shouldn't be harsh on yourself for feeling them. I certainly don't judge you at all, Lysandre.
[...]
Have you tried distracting yourself, to put them at the back of your mind? I know the Pokemon aren't a good idea, right now, but even things like household chores, or reading the network could help.
Either way, I'm available for as long as you want. Just keep talking to me about it, mon cheri. I'll listen.
[Well, then! It doesn't take long for Sycamore to appear, neatly framed at his dining table. He's not wearing the lab coat, today; just a (ever-so-slightly sparkly) pale blue shirt, casually unbuttoned at the neck in his usual style.]
Bonjour! Don't despair, there's only a few more days to go before I come to visit! I'm still deciding what sorts of things to bring, but there will definitely be something.
[More macarons?? Who knows...]
Are you excited? Cordis is quickly becoming my favourite moon, I have to say!
[There's a bit of a pause; it takes him a moment to respond. Just kind of a hazard of the mixed-communications approach, really, but the answer comes readily enough.]
Nothing too extravagant, remember...
I'm certainly looking forward to it, however. Cordis does tend to be good to us.
[Well, he gets to enjoy Sycamore staring lovingly into the camera while the standard 'response-incoming' ellipses appear.]
What, are you going to turn me away if I arrive with anything too expensive?
[...
you wouldn't dare...!!]
But I'll keep that in mind. So much time for activities! Oh, and I'll want to cook for you, at least one night. Breakfast too, actually! I'm very good at making crepes. Can't manage macarons, yet, but at least I can make batter!
Likewise, actually. I'm....hmm. Not really one for commitment. It's been quite a while since I was 'official' with someone.
[It's...a little embarrassing, actually, but the 'it's not you it's me' tended to work very well for him. At least he'll have the grace to look a little bashful.
...the next thing he says won't help with said bashfulness, and he might. suddenly find the side of the room very interesting.]
...yet I don't...I don't feel any sort of resistance or nervousness with you, like I would in the past. It's strange. Everything feels so natural.
[...He's very grateful that he's the one behind text right now, honestly, it makes the words flow a bit more easily when he can see and edit them before sending them.]
I always had reasons for not pursuing anyone. Whether it was an assumption that they wouldn't be interested, or the notion that I was just always too busy to be able to maintain any sort of relationship to begin with. It's easier to turn people away because of things like that - it was always in their best interests to not try to get involved.
[He pauses for a moment. Continues, eventually.]
I also always felt...temporary, I suppose - I never had any long-term plans, regardless of how long I was in one place, or how established I was anywhere. There was always a sense that I was a visitor there; I was never permanent.
[It's one of those things that he doubts will be that surprising, given how he came into Sycamore's life to begin with, as well as the way he left it. At the same time, it's not anything he's really given voice to before; it's strange to do so now.]
You're the only person I've ever told that.
It feels different with you, however. You've never made me feel that way, and you've often gone a long way toward alleviating it. And while I know I've said that pursuing this feels like selfishness on my part, given everything, it genuinely is something I want. I'm doing this just as much for me as I am for you; you make me happy, and I'm glad that this is something you were able to talk to me about, even though I can't say that I handled it very well at the time...
I'm glad that we're doing this. And even if it turns out that we can't be together during the worst of the moon cycles, doing things like this make it more bearable.
[...well. Initially, Sycamore thought the first paragraph of those messages was the main response, so he was getting ready to reply until he noticed the ellipses still on the screen - more text incoming? So he falls silent, placing his elbows on the table and leaning forward to watch Lysandre's words flash onto the screen. If he was honest, he probably would have preferred to read them with the camera off, mainly because...well, Lysandre has said it himself - he's not a subtle man, and he knows his face will be expressing every iota of the emotions he's feeling as he receives each new portion. How embarrassing...
His face falls, when Lysandre speaks about feeling impermanent, before rising again as he talks about their relationship, finally settling into what he would describe as 'overly emotional but extremely happy'; a warm look in his (somewhat bright...) eyes and a soft smile. He waits until he's sure Lysandre is finished, before he speaks:]
...okay, firstly, I know my face probably did a number of weird things just then, so you have to promise not to judge me.
[His voice did not break a little bit when he said that, by the way! Purely your imagination. Now...]
But I...I'm also probably going to say something silly, so the same rule applies, but...you don't have to thank me for anything, mon cheri. I haven't felt this way about someone in....ever, really, if I have to be honest, and knowing that you're happy and that this is something you want, I...
[....wooooorrddsssSSSS words are so hard, if only he could proof-read speech....]
....well, I want you to be happy, first and foremost, so that...makes me happy.
[Say 'happy' again, Augustine-]
And delighted! And...I really wish Cordis would hurry up so I can get over there, but as long as I can talk to you, I'm fine. But I intend to make up for all this distance.
[god that will do for now, he'll be a bit more coherent in a moment, but...it is very very obvious that those messages went down well.]
[Don't worry too much; he knew to expect the face journey that happened in response to all of that. It doesn't bother him any; hearing the response is more than worth it, really.]
You may not think I need to thank you for it, but I insist that I do; you've always been good to me, here moreso than ever. I meant what I said before, about how the world would be beautiful if people were more like you. I don't think you realize how much you've done, simply because it's natural for you to do it in the first place.
We can talk as much as you like, however, even if it's between now and Cordis. I wouldn't mind hearing from you; you aren't troubling me any by contacting me. Hearing from you helps.
[That's good, because the face journey is continuing as he reads those next few messages; starting with that same soft smile, before shifting into something more vibrant.]
If I'm helping, then I'm more than happy to fill up your inbox.
[Sounds like a fun challenge, really!]
Especially if you're going to keep sending me such lovely messages! It's...well, it's so nice, to be able to make you happy and know that it means so much. You're so beautiful when you smile, Lysandre.
[Goodness, he sounds like a lovelorn romantic hero from one of Diantha's movies...but it's genuine. So genuine that he needs to look off to the side, for a moment, to get his bearings. But! It doesn't take long before the camera is met with a rather smug smile (because he's definitely in control of himself in terms of emotions, all right!).]
At this rate I think we're going to end up competing, in terms of who can please the other more. I wouldn't recommend you try; I intend to win and judging by what you've said, my strategy is very effective!
[...yes, congratulations, well done, that got exactly the reaction you were going for....]
W-well....!
[It's a lot easier to be suave when you can proof-read, you jerk!]
I'm willing to accept the competition, but it will only encourage me to try all the harder! Remember, I'm still bringing things over for Cordis. Who knows what I'll choose, hmm?
[He's not even going to reply to that one, you're just getting another self-satisfied look and an eyebrow-waggle. So very mysterious...what to expect.......]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'd much rather you got it off your chest, than leaving it to stew.
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I don't feel angry about it, or upset. There's just nothing. That sort of hollow feeling I mentioned before. And it feels as though I can fill that void with someone else's pain. That's the best way I have to describe it.
I'm not afraid of it. Just cold. And I know that acting on it will make the cold disperse.
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Please know that I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, I just want to emphasise that that's perfectly normal. Sanguis is known to incite violent tendencies and you shouldn't be harsh on yourself for feeling them. I certainly don't judge you at all, Lysandre.
[...]
Have you tried distracting yourself, to put them at the back of your mind? I know the Pokemon aren't a good idea, right now, but even things like household chores, or reading the network could help.
Either way, I'm available for as long as you want. Just keep talking to me about it, mon cheri. I'll listen.
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I want to see you, but I know that's a terrible idea right now.
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Would you like me to turn on my video? You can stay on text. I'm happy to ramble at you for hours, if need be.
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text -> video
Bonjour! Don't despair, there's only a few more days to go before I come to visit! I'm still deciding what sorts of things to bring, but there will definitely be something.
[More macarons?? Who knows...]
Are you excited? Cordis is quickly becoming my favourite moon, I have to say!
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Nothing too extravagant, remember...
I'm certainly looking forward to it, however. Cordis does tend to be good to us.
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What, are you going to turn me away if I arrive with anything too expensive?
[...
you wouldn't dare...!!]
But I'll keep that in mind. So much time for activities! Oh, and I'll want to cook for you, at least one night. Breakfast too, actually! I'm very good at making crepes. Can't manage macarons, yet, but at least I can make batter!
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[He didn't check to see if you had a machine, but either way, he knows you won't let him get it.....]
You're my...
[...okay they're men in their late thirties, 'boyfriend' seems a bit...juvenile?]
...partner. My partner! So I reserve the right to get domestic if I feel the urge.
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Don't worry, Augustine. I won't stop you.
It's been some time since I've seen anyone for any length of time. It's an interesting feeling.
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Likewise, actually. I'm....hmm. Not really one for commitment. It's been quite a while since I was 'official' with someone.
[It's...a little embarrassing, actually, but the 'it's not you it's me' tended to work very well for him. At least he'll have the grace to look a little bashful.
...the next thing he says won't help with said bashfulness, and he might. suddenly find the side of the room very interesting.]
...yet I don't...I don't feel any sort of resistance or nervousness with you, like I would in the past. It's strange. Everything feels so natural.
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I always had reasons for not pursuing anyone. Whether it was an assumption that they wouldn't be interested, or the notion that I was just always too busy to be able to maintain any sort of relationship to begin with. It's easier to turn people away because of things like that - it was always in their best interests to not try to get involved.
[He pauses for a moment. Continues, eventually.]
I also always felt...temporary, I suppose - I never had any long-term plans, regardless of how long I was in one place, or how established I was anywhere. There was always a sense that I was a visitor there; I was never permanent.
[It's one of those things that he doubts will be that surprising, given how he came into Sycamore's life to begin with, as well as the way he left it. At the same time, it's not anything he's really given voice to before; it's strange to do so now.]
You're the only person I've ever told that.
It feels different with you, however. You've never made me feel that way, and you've often gone a long way toward alleviating it. And while I know I've said that pursuing this feels like selfishness on my part, given everything, it genuinely is something I want. I'm doing this just as much for me as I am for you; you make me happy, and I'm glad that this is something you were able to talk to me about, even though I can't say that I handled it very well at the time...
I'm glad that we're doing this. And even if it turns out that we can't be together during the worst of the moon cycles, doing things like this make it more bearable.
Thank you. For all of this.
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His face falls, when Lysandre speaks about feeling impermanent, before rising again as he talks about their relationship, finally settling into what he would describe as 'overly emotional but extremely happy'; a warm look in his (somewhat bright...) eyes and a soft smile. He waits until he's sure Lysandre is finished, before he speaks:]
...okay, firstly, I know my face probably did a number of weird things just then, so you have to promise not to judge me.
[His voice did not break a little bit when he said that, by the way! Purely your imagination. Now...]
But I...I'm also probably going to say something silly, so the same rule applies, but...you don't have to thank me for anything, mon cheri. I haven't felt this way about someone in....ever, really, if I have to be honest, and knowing that you're happy and that this is something you want, I...
[....wooooorrddsssSSSS words are so hard, if only he could proof-read speech....]
....well, I want you to be happy, first and foremost, so that...makes me happy.
[Say 'happy' again, Augustine-]
And delighted! And...I really wish Cordis would hurry up so I can get over there, but as long as I can talk to you, I'm fine. But I intend to make up for all this distance.
[god that will do for now, he'll be a bit more coherent in a moment, but...it is very very obvious that those messages went down well.]
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You may not think I need to thank you for it, but I insist that I do; you've always been good to me, here moreso than ever. I meant what I said before, about how the world would be beautiful if people were more like you. I don't think you realize how much you've done, simply because it's natural for you to do it in the first place.
We can talk as much as you like, however, even if it's between now and Cordis. I wouldn't mind hearing from you; you aren't troubling me any by contacting me. Hearing from you helps.
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If I'm helping, then I'm more than happy to fill up your inbox.
[Sounds like a fun challenge, really!]
Especially if you're going to keep sending me such lovely messages! It's...well, it's so nice, to be able to make you happy and know that it means so much. You're so beautiful when you smile, Lysandre.
[Goodness, he sounds like a lovelorn romantic hero from one of Diantha's movies...but it's genuine. So genuine that he needs to look off to the side, for a moment, to get his bearings. But! It doesn't take long before the camera is met with a rather smug smile (because he's definitely in control of himself in terms of emotions, all right!).]
At this rate I think we're going to end up competing, in terms of who can please the other more. I wouldn't recommend you try; I intend to win and judging by what you've said, my strategy is very effective!
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W-well....!
[It's a lot easier to be suave when you can proof-read, you jerk!]
I'm willing to accept the competition, but it will only encourage me to try all the harder! Remember, I'm still bringing things over for Cordis. Who knows what I'll choose, hmm?
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