[ They won't need all day, though. For once, Yashiro wants to talk. He picks up the coffee and drinks it, staring down at the liquid quietly as he gathers his thoughts. Finally, speaking to the coffee rather than Sycamore himself: ]
[It's very tempting to counter that with 'you're not alone', but Sycamore...well. He knows exactly what kind of alone Yashiro means - the same one that slinks its way through his body when he stresses about Lysandre disappearing. Having to mourn him for a second time.
He sighs, and lowers his head, keeping his hands on Yashiro's.]
[ Yashiro puts the coffee down on the table and since the cake isn't here yet, lays his head down on it, too. He's sort of like ten seconds away from freaking out and having a temper tantrum here in public so he's trying to keep it in check. ]
Sometimes, I like this place a lot. And sometimes I hate it.
[Once Yashiro has placed his head on the table, Sycamore reaches out and idly runs his fingers through his hair. Keeping up the Chroma production should help, at least a little bit.]
It certainly has its benefits, but it tests us in many ways, too. You can only do what you can do, mon ami.
[Let's just exist here in a little bubble of...ugh, for a while.]
[...ah. The lack of sleep, of course. Sycamore falls silent for a moment, continuing to run his fingers through Yashiro's hair. Giving him a chance to let out what he needs to let out.]
[ that causes him to look up, locking eyes with sycamore for a moment while his brow furrows in worry. these things don't seem similar. doumeki being home would be a good thing, while lysandre... ]
You don't...really think that's being "free," do you?
[ Far better to focus on Sycamore than himself, at any rate. ]
[Sycamore is well aware that Yashiro is trying to shift the focus away from that little confession he just made, but he'll allow it, for now. No need to keep pushing his friend when he's clearly distressed and needs a moment.]
...it's what I told myself, to try and come to terms with his death. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I could not allow myself any other alternative. He died alone and in the depths of despair, by his own hand. The thought of him still suffering, after that....I could not bear it.
[Sighing, he takes a sip of his coffee.]
I know what it is like to watch someone truly dear to you in pain, mon ami. It does not get any easier.
That's the price we pay, for being in love.
the suicide warning is probably just a solid one for awhile here
[ Yashiro pulls away, sitting up correctly in his chair as he thinks this over for a long moment. There had been times where he thought he'd rather be dead, than live through the things he'd lived through. It's not that he thinks it's the cowards way out, if anything, there are times he thinks its the opposite--that he wasn't strong enough to do it. That if he'd been stronger, he could've been done with all of this.
He knows things are different now. Before Doumeki, he doubted that anyone would mourn him. But now...he knows that ending his life does have consequences for other people. Or at the very least for one person.
But people are contradictions. They want to be alive. They want to be dead. He has no doubt that the both of those things could be true for Lysandre.
It takes him awhile, trying to put the words in order in a way that he hopes won't sound offensive or crass to Sycamore. He's really trying here, to offer some kind of comfort. But it's not really his forte. ]
Everyone suffers, Professor. Sometimes more than others. But it doesn't mean they suffer all the time. And it doesn't mean death is the better alternative.
[He doesn't seem offended nor particularly bothered by Yashiro's words; if anything, Sycamore seems...tired. This topic will never be an easy one, no matter how many times he and Lysandre talk about it. No matter how many times he thinks about what happened back in Kalos. What's done is done.]
You remember our last conversation? Where we spoke of their happiness.
[He knows he doesn't have to specify who he's talking about. Sycamore tilts his coffee cup back and forth, watching the liquid slide up the sides.]
It's not really our place to decide that, is it? But we naturally want to, because of how much we love them. We think we know what would make them the happiest, even if they disagree. When you desperately want what is best for someone...
[...]
...I know that it is hard. But please, Yashiro...stop fixating on how much you wish Doumeki was back in Tokyo, and instead...focus on appreciating every moment you have here with the man you love. When you end up consumed by what you think is right, you miss what's actually happening before your eyes.
I don't want you to learn that the hard way.
[There's an unspoken 'as I did' there, but...well, he's said enough for now.]
[ Yashiro listens, but the longer Sycamore talks, the deeper worry etches itself across Yashiro's face. By the time he finishes, Yashiro looks tense, but he reaches over and he puts his hand on Sycamore's own. ]
Look at me.
[ There's an edge to his voice. Gone is the playful way he usually speaks. His voice is deeper now, not the higher pitch he uses to pretend that he's stupid. He squeezes Sycamore's hand. ]
Tell me that you know Lysandre isn't better off dead than with you. Say it. "Lysandre isn't better off without me."
[Something about the change in his friend's voice actually compels Sycamore to follow his order, slowly lifting his head as he feels Yashiro's hand enclose his own. This isn't anything like how their conversations usually go; even when Yashiro had told him about his past, Sycamore had kept it together. It wasn't his place to break down. But now, when this all started with Doumeki being injured, he's...
...]
Lysandre...isn't better off without me. Isn't better off not being here.
[His voice cracks, as he says that, but he gets it out.]
...I'm sorry. I don't...this was supposed to be about you, I...
[Sycamore pauses, covering his mouth with his free hand and looking off to the side.]
...I'll be alright. Just...give me a moment. Then we need to keep talking about you, okay?
[Anything to move away from all of these...miserable feelings. Back to a place where he can be his usual cheerful self. Yashiro doesn't deserve to have to deal with this.
...but hadn't he and Lysandre promised each other that they wouldn't avoid the painful emotions any more? The thought makes him sigh, and his fingers tighten on Yashiro's. At least the Chroma production helps him refrain from just...bursting into tears in this cafe.]
[ He doesn't mind seeing Sycamore cry. He'd rather he be open and deal with this, than pretend that he's not okay. He squeezes Sycamore's hand as he talks, supporting him as he says it.
(Even if, support aside, he can't deny that it's incredibly hot to see Sycamore crying. Fuck, not now boner.) ]
It's not a competition. I think you needed to say it.
[The openness is certainly appreciated, at least, and Sycamore sighs deeply once again, looking down at their entwined hands.]
...you're right. Sorry. I've never been all that good when it comes to talking through my own feelings.
[He'll keep his gaze on their hands, but thankfully a soft smile is slowly spreading across his face.]
Do you know Lysandre and I always go and sit with the baby goats in the Groves, whenever we have to talk about something serious? So neither of us can react too emotionally, or get up and leave because it's too hard. It sounds a bit pathetic - we're grown men! - but it's been working quite well so far.
[Finally, he'll look Yashiro in the eyes; his are still quite damp, but to his credit, any tears have stopped.
(Sorry to any boners that may or may not be occurring.)]
I suppose for us, we can use this cafe, no? Whenever we want to talk through something that's a little on the overwhelming side.
[ He's surprised to hear it, when Sycamore normally seems to be so together. But maybe it makes sense. He and Lysandre have a long history. That kind of thing doesn't just get fixed because you end up in another world. ]
I don't know, I just come here for the cake.
[ Which has finally arrived?? so he's gonna eat that. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I thought I was going to lose him.
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Why don't you tell me what happened? From the start.
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[ the longer he speaks, the quicker his speech becomes, his hands trembling against the cup ]
We couldn't tell what caused it, but there was just so much.
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[Sycamore is silent as Yashiro speaks, but he does reach out and wrap his hands around his trembling fingers.]
It's all right, mon ami. You gave him Chroma and he was healed, wasn't he?
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[ He looks at Sycamore's hand touching him, and then he looks up at his face. ]
I don't want to be here without him. I...I'm so pathetic, but all I could think is how awful it would be to be alone.
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He sighs, and lowers his head, keeping his hands on Yashiro's.]
You aren't pathetic, Yashiro. You're normal.
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[ Okay, that was definitely not the case, but he's more than happy to convince himself of his own selfish narrative. ]
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No, you weren't. We both know that.
[Come on, buddy....that might have worked months ago, but not now. Sycamore knows you far too well.]
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Sometimes, I like this place a lot. And sometimes I hate it.
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[Once Yashiro has placed his head on the table, Sycamore reaches out and idly runs his fingers through his hair. Keeping up the Chroma production should help, at least a little bit.]
It certainly has its benefits, but it tests us in many ways, too. You can only do what you can do, mon ami.
[Let's just exist here in a little bubble of...ugh, for a while.]
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I don't like this. I'm not supposed to have him, how can I be so selfish, wanting to keep him forever?
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You aren't being selfish. It's a natural feeling, to want to be close to someone you l-
[-he will....catch himself, there, and change to-]
-you...feel deeply for.
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[ a weak, pained noise catches in his throat and tears start running down his face, but it's really just the lack of sleep, that's all, ]
I do love him.
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It hurts, doesn't it? Such a sweet pain, though.
[A pause, then...]
Take your time. We can stay here all day.
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You can't think like that, Yashiro.
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You don't...really think that's being "free," do you?
[ Far better to focus on Sycamore than himself, at any rate. ]
cw: suicide
...it's what I told myself, to try and come to terms with his death. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I could not allow myself any other alternative. He died alone and in the depths of despair, by his own hand. The thought of him still suffering, after that....I could not bear it.
[Sighing, he takes a sip of his coffee.]
I know what it is like to watch someone truly dear to you in pain, mon ami. It does not get any easier.
That's the price we pay, for being in love.
the suicide warning is probably just a solid one for awhile here
He knows things are different now. Before Doumeki, he doubted that anyone would mourn him. But now...he knows that ending his life does have consequences for other people. Or at the very least for one person.
But people are contradictions. They want to be alive. They want to be dead. He has no doubt that the both of those things could be true for Lysandre.
It takes him awhile, trying to put the words in order in a way that he hopes won't sound offensive or crass to Sycamore. He's really trying here, to offer some kind of comfort. But it's not really his forte. ]
Everyone suffers, Professor. Sometimes more than others. But it doesn't mean they suffer all the time. And it doesn't mean death is the better alternative.
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[He doesn't seem offended nor particularly bothered by Yashiro's words; if anything, Sycamore seems...tired. This topic will never be an easy one, no matter how many times he and Lysandre talk about it. No matter how many times he thinks about what happened back in Kalos. What's done is done.]
You remember our last conversation? Where we spoke of their happiness.
[He knows he doesn't have to specify who he's talking about. Sycamore tilts his coffee cup back and forth, watching the liquid slide up the sides.]
It's not really our place to decide that, is it? But we naturally want to, because of how much we love them. We think we know what would make them the happiest, even if they disagree. When you desperately want what is best for someone...
[...]
...I know that it is hard. But please, Yashiro...stop fixating on how much you wish Doumeki was back in Tokyo, and instead...focus on appreciating every moment you have here with the man you love. When you end up consumed by what you think is right, you miss what's actually happening before your eyes.
I don't want you to learn that the hard way.
[There's an unspoken 'as I did' there, but...well, he's said enough for now.]
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Look at me.
[ There's an edge to his voice. Gone is the playful way he usually speaks. His voice is deeper now, not the higher pitch he uses to pretend that he's stupid. He squeezes Sycamore's hand. ]
Tell me that you know Lysandre isn't better off dead than with you. Say it. "Lysandre isn't better off without me."
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...]
Lysandre...isn't better off without me. Isn't better off not being here.
[His voice cracks, as he says that, but he gets it out.]
...I'm sorry. I don't...this was supposed to be about you, I...
[Sycamore pauses, covering his mouth with his free hand and looking off to the side.]
...I'll be alright. Just...give me a moment. Then we need to keep talking about you, okay?
[Anything to move away from all of these...miserable feelings. Back to a place where he can be his usual cheerful self. Yashiro doesn't deserve to have to deal with this.
...but hadn't he and Lysandre promised each other that they wouldn't avoid the painful emotions any more? The thought makes him sigh, and his fingers tighten on Yashiro's. At least the Chroma production helps him refrain from just...bursting into tears in this cafe.]
everyone in chat said i had to make this lewd
(Even if, support aside, he can't deny that it's incredibly hot to see Sycamore crying. Fuck, not now boner.) ]
It's not a competition. I think you needed to say it.
i'm kinkshaming the entire chat
...you're right. Sorry. I've never been all that good when it comes to talking through my own feelings.
[He'll keep his gaze on their hands, but thankfully a soft smile is slowly spreading across his face.]
Do you know Lysandre and I always go and sit with the baby goats in the Groves, whenever we have to talk about something serious? So neither of us can react too emotionally, or get up and leave because it's too hard. It sounds a bit pathetic - we're grown men! - but it's been working quite well so far.
[Finally, he'll look Yashiro in the eyes; his are still quite damp, but to his credit, any tears have stopped.
(Sorry to any boners that may or may not be occurring.)]
I suppose for us, we can use this cafe, no? Whenever we want to talk through something that's a little on the overwhelming side.
as you should
[ He's surprised to hear it, when Sycamore normally seems to be so together. But maybe it makes sense. He and Lysandre have a long history. That kind of thing doesn't just get fixed because you end up in another world. ]
I don't know, I just come here for the cake.
[ Which has finally arrived?? so he's gonna eat that. ]
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